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For me, the specific words that specify which eating disorder one suffers from, have
not been helpful. I think this has to do with the fact that the words have a labelling stigma attached to them. I think, by
the time I met the diagnostic criteria it was already too late - I had already labelled myself! So, remember, it is not important
what eating disorder someone suffers from, the fact that they suffer is what is important. If a person does not
meet the set diagnostic criteria of an eating disorder, it does not mean that they do not have a problem - many people may
suffer from a combination of eating disorders. For example, they may have traits towards more than one eating disorder. If
food is being used in an unhealthy way, and to help someone cope with life then that person is deserving of getting the help
and/or treatment required.
For the most part, I have found books that focus in on the eating disorder to be counter-productive.
Even in instances where they specified the detrimental effects, it did not matter to me.
Also, the way various things
were said to me, have been harmful. Someone may have meant well by saying what they said, but there were times that as a consequence
it made me feel that I was not worthy of, nor did I deserve help. Also, people commenting on shapes, sizes, calories etc are
anything but helpful (particularly during the earlier stages). I used to find conversations such as these to be extremely
hurtful, especially around people who knew about my struggles. In these instances, it felt like a mockery!
I
realised during my recovery that I used other ways to suppress feelings (non-food related). I realised this in a former group
meeting that I used to attend - they used this method to help bring the feelings to the surface, but I used it in an unproductive
way. I never told the facilitator that it was unproductive for me. That would most definitely have been too scary for me back
then. I knew deep down, by not telling her, I was, in essence, feeding the ed.
I have also realised during my recovery,
that I have a tendency to hide behind words - take the focus away from me (deflection) if you like. I also tend to make light
of all situations - make a bit of a joke, or laugh it away or something.
In the past I used to need to take strides
in my recovery, for example, there had been times, when there was talk about food in a way that I found harmful to me, I was
able to just walk away. I was at a workshop once, where some people (who knew that there were sufferers of eating distress
there) commented how they needed to lose weight etc, and then another time when I arrived at my support group, a parent of
one of the sufferers, who had attended a nutrition workshop recently, started commenting on that. I just joked pretending
I was going upstairs to grab my usual corner seat. Looking back, I can't believe I did that. I know that even a few months
prior to this,there was no way I could have done that - I would have just sat there and taken it - despite the harmful effects.
During my recovery, I also had to change therapists, due to reasons outside of my control. Despite the difficulty,
I think it may have been a blessing in disguise. I am finding that I am more able to say things to my current therapist,
than I ever was able to my previous therapist. Even though I seemed to be able to trust him, more or less straight away,
I still had a few reservations for some time, surrounding trusting him fully. I felt that I could trust him, but when I took
the plunge, there was part of me that started panicking - trusting too soon etc. Also, the fact that he was male, proved
to be somewhat of a challenge.
I also challenge my current counsellors beliefs, especially when they don't tie in with
my own. This has helped me make huge strides in my recovery. Even though I respect the values that
Marino have, if I feel they don't sit right with me, it's up to me to challenge that: share my views with my counsellor, to
see why they don't sit with me, and through this, I am learning more and more about who I am. As my counsellor
has said, he likes the fact that I am a non conformer. At the end of the day, I am an individual, and not everything
is going to apply to me (or anyone else for that matter). I believe it was through my fears of disagreeing with
my former therapist, that prevented me from not fully disclosing my beliefs/values, which, in turn, held me back in my recovery.
One word that has been coming to mind for some time is individuation. What
is that exactly? Finding out who I am - as a person, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically etc. It
also means breaking away from old rules, beliefs and values, that I held true to myself eg shame and embarrassment have been
two very strong emotions that have stayed with me throughout my recovery, but it has definitely lessened over time.
I no longer feel ashamed for having developed an eating disorder, but shame over things that are tangent to my recovery still
remain. I still continue to work on these core issues. The shame has now lessened, and is now an observation,
like watching a ship pass in the night. Shame is an emotion, just like any other - so it'll always be there on
some level, but it doesn't have the same hold over me, as it used to have!
Personally, I believe that dreams can help
in achieving full recovery. One of my longest dreams ever has been to become a therapist myself. At long last,
I am embarking on a training course to become a counsellor. I am so excited , yet anxious at the same time. This
has been my dream for so many years now, that I don't know what I would do if it didn't materialise . I have the timetable,
and it's so exciting. Will any of the others I did the interview with be there? It'll be interesting as to
the dynamics of those doing the course. I always find groups interesting, whether it be a social group, or a common
interest, a support group or whatever. It is always interesting observing how the people within any group gell together.
Some groups are interesting, in that there are so many conflicts and clashes of personality (Big Brother comes to mind here),
whereas others have a mutual respect for each other, there are also the roles that different people take on within any given
group - the joker, the leader, the quiet reserved one etc. I am curious as to the group members, of those I'll
be doing my skills training with.
I took last year out from doing any major courses - did short 10-week courses,
and it was definitely what I needed at that time. One area that I had been running away from for years , was coming
so much to the fore at the time. I knew that I really needed to tackle it head on (both in and out of therapy).
I have had so much fun this past year , learning about who I am. I believe that the particular journey I took this past
year will definitely stand to me in years to come. I have become a lot more objective about things, than ever before.
When some friends were having conflicts over things, I was as open and honest as I could to everyone saying "I see your point
of view, however both of you have been such good friends to me over this past year, and I cannot forget that. It's not
up to me to judge". They respected my standpoint on that, and it appears that is one thing that they admire in me - not
allowing myself to get entangled in situations. I have also become more accepting of both myself and others over this
past year.
This year I have met such a wide range of people - people from all walks of life, and have been open
to everything they said, and believe that any prejudices that I may have held previously, are now minimal (if any).
I have also realised that sometimes I need to back down in some of my viewpoints. I have some very strong opinions on
certain matters , and am now able to recognise when to back down, especially when I meet someone who is just as steadfast
in their views. Their beliefs however, being the exact opposite as mine.
There were times this past year that
I just wanted someone to throw me a rope , so that I could just hang for a while, as sometimes there were changes happening
so fast, that I doubted whether or not I could keep up. It was like being in a speed boat, but my body wasn't in the
boat (more a sense of me holding the wheel, with my arms outstretched, and my body flying behind). This past year, has
been the first time I've ever believed in both full recovery, and my ability to achieve it. It's been an amazing year,
despite some of the difficulties at times. One of my greatest fears ever materialised, and even though it was one of
the hardest things I've faced, it was definitely a blessing in disguise. I honestly don't think I'd be where I am today,
if I hadn't been placed at the crossroads that came with that fear materialising.
Dreams can come true, if you really
want them. But it's necessary to realise that not all dreams come true. Some dreams stay with us for longer spells
than others. Some are what we are destined for, others are like little goalposts, to help us along the way.
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