Life with food/body image issues
I have suffered
with food/body image issues for as long back as I can remember. When I was only six I used to go to dance class (ballet),
and I remember always thinking how much my stomach stuck out, and what a clutz I was. I am a runner, not a dancer!
What on earth were my parents thinking, sending someone with two left feet to ballet!?! Who knows...
One incident from when I was only six (I think) was centred around
a family argument. Coincidentally, this argument appeared to me (through the eyes of an innocent six-year-old) to be
centred around food. Isn't it any wonder that I ended up having issues around food...
I have been down this road and back more times than I care to
remember. I guess I must have been 14 the first time I started seriously restricting, but believe that the behaviours
were there somewhat since I was maybe 11 or 12. By that I mean, either under or overeating, outside of what is the "norm"
for most kids of that age. To look at me today, I am your average gym athlete. I do not stand out as been
either under or overweight. I no longer engage in behaviours on the scale that I used to. During the worst times of my struggle, I would have overeaten mostly and then
compensated in some shape or form. (I choose not to list my methods here, for fear that they may be triggering to some. I
know that there was a time when just reading about behaviours I would be triggered).
Even though food/body image appeared to be the issue, is is far
from it - food is used as a way of coping with feelings, and yes, these feelings, once they start to surface can be quite
scary. During the earlier stages of my struggles it usually felt as if it was about food. This was particularly
the case during times when I found it difficult/impossible to identify what I felt. My view on feelings back then was
"Feelings? What are they?"
I am currently IN recovery, at the Marino Therapy Centre in Dublin.
It has had its moments - at times it felt like hell, because the feelings can become quite intense (especially after
being numb for so long). I have been in recovery since end November 2001, but do not believe that I was actively in
recovery for some time after that. When I first started going to counselling I was going through the motions of recovery,
but that was it. In all honesty, I was just wasting my money and my counsellors time - not exactly the ideal situation,
but thankfully, with time that did change.
When I first started therapy, I found articulating what was going
on for me, and what I was feeling extremely difficult, as I used to be a very private person. In the
past I wasn't able to divulge anything (especially anything of significance) to my counsellor without being prompted.
I guess, in my upbringing, we just never did volunteer any information to complete strangers or acquaintances. Also,
sometimes I wondered "what does it matter anyway", or "what would you care". These are things that I never voiced
to my previous therapist though.
At this stage I can honestly say that recovery is possible.
Even though I am not there yet, I know that it is something that is achievable. It is possible for anyone who wants
it. To get to that belief, you just need to want it badly enough. I used to think that my previous therapist didn't
have a clue, when she used to challenge me on that "how much do you want it?" As much as I hate to admit it, she was
right! It's not just about wanting full recovery, but how much do you want it. Wanting and wishing for recovery
are two different things - I used to think I wanted it, but in all honesty, it was more wishful thinking.
I wanted it, but without having to do the work.
Full recovery is something that I continue to strive for.
For me, full recovery means not engaging in the behaviours, not even thinking about engaging in the behaviours, that I will
be happy and content in my own skin, and that food/body image will no longer be an issue for me. It will mean that I
am IN control and not being controlled by a stronger force, choose clothes for comfort, rather than any other reasons.
If I do overeat I will be fine with that. I will be able to define what "real" hunger is, I will know what I am feeling.
I will no longer push my friends away, for fear of them finding out who the "real me" is. Also, that I will have found
more "healthy" ways to cope with lifes muck. It will also mean that I am living, rather than merely existing.
During my worst times, it felt so tempting to just give
up, and kick the bucket. Living in this hell always felt easier than fighting it. But when I look back, and can
now see the bigger picture, that isn't necessarily true for me any more. Recovery is hard, yes I agree. However,
when I look at the day to day struggles I had when I was going through my worst times, I really was not happy. Recovery
is hard work, but I am now living life, and that is the best reward of life. You may feel that you're different.
I beg to differ. I used to think I was so weak and pathetic, and that I was different. Different maybe, because
the exact same programme won't work for everyone. However, it's about finding the right treatment and the right therapist
for you. One won't work without the other.
Because of the fact that I doubted that full recovery was possible
for so long, I used to wonder "why do I bother", but what kept me going was that you never know unless you try.
Just because some people around you may doubt about the possibility of full recovery being possible, do not let this
deter YOU from striving for that goal, because maybe, just maybe, there is such a thing as "full recovery" - wouldn't you
prefer to find out for yourself if full recovery is possible, than not to try at all.
Update: At long last, I can honestly say that full recovery is possible. It
is out there for anyone who wants it. Perseverance is the key. There were many times, that I wanted to give up,
but I am now glad that I did not.
