Please
Hear What I'm Not Saying by Charles C FInn
Don't
be fooled by me.
Don't
be fooled by the face I wear
for I
wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks
that I'm afraid to take off,
and none
of them is me.
Pretending
is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't
be fooled,
for God's
sake don't be fooled.
I give
you the impression that I'm secure,
that all
is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without,
that confidence
is my name and coolness my game,
that the
water's calm and I'm in command
and that
I need no one,
but don't
believe me.
My surface
may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying
and ever-concealing.
Beneath
lies no complacence.
Beneath
lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I
hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic
at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's
why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant
sophisticated facade,
to help
me pretend,
to shield
me from the glance that knows.
But such
a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope, and I know it.
That is,
if it's followed by acceptance,
If it's
followed by love.
It's the
only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my
own self-built prison walls,
from the
barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the
only thing that will assure me
of what
I can't assure myself,
that I'm
really worth something.
But I
don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid
your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not
be followed by love.
I'm afraid
you'll think less of me,
that you'll
laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid
that deep-down I'm nothing
and that
you will see this and reject me.
So I play
my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a
facade of assurance without
and a
trembling child within.
So begins
the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my
life becomes a front.
I tell
you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing
of what's everything,
of what's
crying within me.
So when
I'm going through my routine
do not
be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please
listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd
like to be able to say,
what for
survival I need to say,
but what
I can't say.
I don't
like hiding.
I don't
like playing superficial phony games.
I want
to stop playing them.
I want
to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've
got to help me.
You've
got to hold out your hand
even when
that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you
can wipe away from my eyes
the blank
stare of the breathing dead.
Only you
can call me into aliveness.
Each time
you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time
you try to understand because you really care,
my heart
begins to grow wings--
very small
wings,
very feeble
wings,
but wings!
With your
power to touch me into feeling
you can
breathe life into me.
I want
you to know that.
I want
you to know how important you are to me,
how you
can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the
person that is me
if you
choose to.
You alone
can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone
can remove my mask,
you alone
can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my
lonely prison,
if you
choose to.
Please
choose to.
Do not
pass me by.
It will
not be easy for you.
A long
conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer
you approach to me
the blinder
I may strike back.
It's irrational,
but despite what the books say about man
often
I am irrational.
I fight
against the very thing I cry out for.
But I
am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in
this lies my hope.
Please
try to beat down those walls
with firm
hands but with gentle hands
for a
child is very sensitive.
Who am
I, you may wonder?
I am someone
you know very well.
For I
am every man you meet
and I
am every woman you meet.