I tried to "just quit" numerous times, but it just never seemed to work.
I want out so badly, but I used to get so scared of letting go. I was stuck as a consequence of the fear - I was scared
to go back to where I was, but also scared to move on without it. This resulted in me just feeling stuck.
I felt that I should be able to just move forward - best foot forward and all that, right? Wrong!
I didn't know what else is there, if I didn't have the ed? Who or what would I
be without it? It has gotten me through rough times, without it I most definitely would not have managed. As a
consequnce of this I believed that if this was the case why let go? My behaviours were a routine to me, and part
of me did not want to change. As my previous therapist used to say "it has served you a purpose over the years", so
hence, I felt why should I let it go? Also, until all the muck is dealt with it is something that will remain.
It was definitely easier to stay in the behaviours than fight them. Why is
this? The latter hurts like hell - that is why! Fighting the urges is not a fun place to be. It hurts like
hell!
